I don't think I will ever understand why you had to go. Though a quote does enter my mind a lot when I feel this helpless thought...

''Why do the best people die?...When you're in a garden, which flowers do you pick?...The most beautiful ones' 

I know for a fact you would have laughed at that and said something sarcastic as a response. But I truly believe this...you were always my beautiful, lovely lovable daddy. My papa bear. You are the sort of dad who would go to the council to ask them to remove the big bloomin rocks off the pavements, so clumsy children like me don't fall over them..(which I did in primary, unshockingly). There is never a day where I don't think of you. 

I was thinking today of the rather cliche expression, 'you don't know what you have lost, until you loose it'. I always knew what I had when I had a dad like you, which makes it hurt that much more. I don't cry as much now, though to be quite honest I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not. It feels more real now. More painful. You are always a light for our little family. We miss you so terribly its heartbreaking. We love you daddy. We will always miss you. 

Also 17,067 views for you're blog dad, I'm so proud you're my daddy. 

We watched the Editors play at Glastonbury on television a few years ago, they played 'smokers outside a hospital door' we loved them...typical dad style a couple of days later, I opened a small Cd shaped parcel for him (I liked to open his mail, as he would leave it on the side forever)...Lo and behold it contained the album of the Editors. We still have it. I still love it.

I remember we both loved how the lead singer expressed his love of music while he performed, moving his arms around in a strange yet wonderful way. He moved so eccentrically, it was so fascinating. His band members were laughing at him, as if it was like 'here we go again'. But you could tell they really admired him and so did we. He had an amazing stage presence. 

 Though I will still forever love the album and the song 'smokers outside a hospital door', that particular track unfortunately will always remind me of Christie's. Where my daddy spent his final days.  When we would take dad for treatment you would always see people smoking on the pavements near the hospital. I remember it making me very angry. As they were smoking, people who were suffering from illness. Being treated with chemo, and going through the worst time of their lives (including daddy), were walking into or out of the hospital. With the weight of the dreaded C word on their shoulders and overshadowing their hearts. 

I went to Ynot festival recently. Editors were playing. I was literally jumping for joy and sadness at the same time. Tears coming down my face, while I smiled with happiness and excitement.

Editors playing at Glastonbury, 2010. 

You have 16,812 views daddy. We Miss you. Love you always.